At the root of the purpose of this blog is the desire to pursue a different thought process. I was conditioned and trained to react a certain way to every possible scenario in life. I mean, that's what religion is all about, is it not? It seeks to provide answers to all of our pressing questions. Why are we here? What is our purpose? What does the future hold? How do we live our lives? Beyond those, I immersed myself so much into it all I found answers to questions like: Does punk rock please God? Why is it OK to pierce my ears but not my naval? I found the answers. They have answers for everything from homosexuality to the source of the universe. That's what it's all about, knowing, having faith. If you don't have faith, you're not a Christian -- bottom line.
As a Libra (BTW, astrology is wrong according to the aforementioned dogmas) I am supposed to be balanced. I am not too sweet, not too harsh, not too centered but not too polarized. I am balanced. I laugh as easily as I weep, I get angry as easily as I forgive. This sounds more like psychotic behavior but I swear I am quite normal. In the midst of all this I found a way to be extremely polarized when it came to religion and morality. I was convinced that all the answers I was given were correct and rarely questioned them. I am not going to lie, I read the Communist Manifesto in secret and I was always intensely intrigued by the reality of the occult. At the end of the day I lived my life purely. Entirely pure, untouched and unscathed. I made vows that I kept. I rarely lied. I loved my neighbor. I attended church regularly, way too regularly. I dated within the church. I dated the right boys at the right times. I asked for permission for everything, even cutting school. I rarely disobeyed my parents. I played the game by the book. I knew nothing better or worse. It always worked out for me, so why chance it?
One day these answers seized to be enough. I fell into a deep, dark depression that threatened my life. The 18 years of guilt that were laid upon my young shoulders began to weigh heavily on my resolve and conviction. I began to question the veracity of these answers. I began to inspect the lives of those who so eloquently guaranteed my safety and prosperity if I followed all the rules. Nothing made sense anymore. I was a step away from committing suicide. I genuinely wanted to die. I felt like the system had failed me. A million little details in my life made me feel like this polarity never made sense to this Libra-wired girl. I needed some balance.
Today, 11 years later I know only one thing, I know nothing. It was incredibly scary to realize that I don't have any answers. One more thing I do know is that I do feel God and I know that everything will be alright. I can feel the signs pointing me to direction I need to go. Most of the time they make no sense to most people but they feel incredibly right to me. Life has many paths to take, many answers to the same question and nothing works the same for ALL people. I am unique, nothing else like me on this earth. So how can I expect to live my life based on bucketed answers to the deepest questions in life? How can people just like me tell me what to do with my life when they themselves are still figuring it out? How can I learn how to walk this path on my own two feet if I continue to use crutches to help me along the way? Black and white worked for a little, gray was scary as hell but once I got past all that the palette that lay before my eyes liberated me. It opened my eyes to the beauty that is life. I have a reason to live now. I want to taste, breathe, touch, hear, see and live every color of the spectrum. I want to leave no colored stone unturned. World, are you ready? HERE I COME!
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